You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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