Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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