It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
