yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
