I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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