I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
