This is not my ceiling
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
