if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
