so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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