Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
