I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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