i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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