I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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