my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
