The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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