the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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