probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
