I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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