So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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