no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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