so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
