Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
