my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
