Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Pappa wants mamma naked
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
