between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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