Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
