he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
