My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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