Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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