Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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