I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
