and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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