There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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