she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
