She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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