do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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