I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
