I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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