someone threw a dead crab at me
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
