I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
