this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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