You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
