Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
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