I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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