can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
