I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
