happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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