people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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