i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Who died my cat blue again?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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