Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My ass is underappreciated
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
