It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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