I'm so fucking centered right now
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
