I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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