That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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