Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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