If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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