I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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