I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
